The Demons
This post is for Writing Workshop at Sleep is for the Weak
I have chosen prompt 2 which is What does depression feel like to you?
I have tried to unpick what happens on some of the occasions the Demons visit.
********
They creep in during the night when the peaceful sleep is momentarily interrupted. They start slowly concentrating on one issue. Questioning your actions – Should you have? Why did you? You should have known better! Useless! Rubbish! Fail, fail, fail! Gradually they up the anti & bring all sorts of things to the front of your mind. They have the pictures – it is so clear. They are SO right. Before you know where you are, your head is spinning.
You wake fully & try to go through the strategies that you have worked out for these times. Eyes closed.
No.1 –Deep breathing, really deep breaths
No.2 – you’re in that lovely hotel, now imagine the walk from the room to the park, all the details.
No.3– name the occupants of each house in Coronation Street
Despite your best efforts sleep does not come back strongly but fitfully.
On waking the demons have left someone different to the one who went to sleep. You can’t face getting out of bed. Why should you? What will you achieve – nothing, just the chance to feel even worse? Of course you do get out of bed otherwise you will have failed but you can’t do anything. You have no idea what to wear. You can’t think about the day. You make a cup of tea & in your head the demons have changed the script. They are no longer reminding you of those decisions you made a complete mess of. Now they become personal. They remind you how fat you are & that it is your weak will that has allowed this weight to pile on. They remind you that you are now going to have to suffer to get rid of it. All the time, on another level it seems, the voices from last night creep back in as well.
You feel heavy. Heavy – physically & emotionally. The picture in your head has no colour. It isn’t that black that the writers write about when describing the pits of a human mind. It is empty. Is there such a colour -empty? It’s as if nothing exists just you & your thoughts. Then you are angry. Not about anything just angry. You snap, you find fault, you lash out.
Later –tears. They are a release & relief. It is a sea that cannot be stopped. You don’t know why you cry, you just do. It is a signal for those close that things are clearing. It may take a while but the worst is over. You are left feeling so tired & bewildered & this can last for a couple of days. Your thoughts then move to -what was that all about? If you are lucky, with support, you can start to unpick the triggers but maybe not. Until the next time.
************
I suffer with anxiety which can be completely debilitating at times. I hope to start an occasional series on my blog What Will Julia Do Next? about depression / anxiety & its effects on sufferers & those supporting. If you would like to contribute in any way please leave a comment here & I’ll get in touch.
Excellent post, I really admire anyone who posts about depression. It’s very hard to explain and very difficult for those who haven’t had it to understand.
Love your idea of a depression/anxiety series too. Anything that raises awareness is a good thing 🙂
Thank you for your support. I have learnt so much that I’m sure there are others out there who might make use of some of it. I hope you’ll be part of it!
Excellent and well written. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I will def be following. x
Excellent news & I’ve found another blog to follow!
What a post, depression is my companion, but I will not let it beat me
I can see following your blog that you are a fighter! Do pop in when we have the series!
What an amazing description of the depressed mind. I could completely relate. I’ve also wondered if empty had a color! I’ve been through quite a bit of loss, a husband, a son and now my mother and that feeling of why bother is so strong at times that it is overwhelming. It’s comforting to know that other people have the same issues.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful words on the subject.
Thank you so much for your comments. I do hope you’ll visit again!
This is fantastically well-written. I have anxiety over some of the stupidest things, like not being able to fall asleep the night before an important event, and while it makes no sense why I would have anxiety about it the strategies you have written are exactly what I try to do.
I’m sure we all have bouts of it. It’s just how deep it can creep in that makes the difference. Thank you for stopping by!
This is a brilliant description. I really knew how you felt. BTW, I also have a getting back to sleep in the night strategy. Middle of the night worries are the worst.
Aren’t they! I feel so daft in the morning. That’s the special element of light I suppose.
What a brilliant, powerful post. My sister suffers from anxiety and I’ve seen how it leaves her so defeated. Hugs to you.
I’ve had the help of my wonderful hubby. Wouldn’t have made it without him!
I guess laying myself bare in a photograph is nothing to exposing my inner emotions as you have done. Very deep and thought provoking, I recognise many of those feelings as a sufferer of PND.
It’s so strange how similar people are when you start to get to know them. I thought your pic was fab! Thank you so much for stopping by!
This is very powerful and must have been hard to write, but you have captured everything that you feel brilliantly. I hope that it has helped to write about it xx
I wasn’t sure it would make sense to a reader but though I needed to get it written down. Thank you for popping in!
Well done Julia. This must have been difficult to write, I admire you enormously for doing so and, like Sandy, I hope writing helps. xxx
I think it does. Thanks for taking the time to read & comment!
What a brilliant, albeit painful, description of anxiety and depression. Even though you are completely self-aware you still go through it. I hope writing about it has helped x
It does help. I’m getting better at accepting it. Thank you for commenting!
This is a really good description of a very personal feeling, and I think that it is unique to each and every person who deals with depression.
Have you thought about submitting this to “Breaking The Silence”? I’ll send you the details x
Have got in touch- many thanks!