Tears

I lost a friend yesterday. Well I’m not sure that she was a friend really. Probably more of an acquaintance but I think we have parted. She didn’t die or anything like that. She just went too far AGAIN!

We have had a strange relationship over the years. My husband says that it was always fairly one-sided towards me doing most of the ‘work’. I didn’t see it like that. There have been times when she has been there for me but recently those times have been few and far between.

So what made yesterday different? She’s let me down before (sadly quite a few times) but it never made me angry. I would just say ‘Ah well, that’s ???’ and move on to the next time. We enjoyed each other’s company and getting together for a gossip was good fun but recently our paths have been diverging more and more. The things we have in common were getting fewer so we met less and less.

Yesterday was supposed to be a celebration of my 60th birthday. She had not been able to attend the little party we held back in January. She is an excellent cook and invited us over for a ‘birthday meal’. I was really looking forward to it and had even decided what I was going to wear (which can be a problem!). We had chilled a special bottle of pink bubbles ready to take with us.

Three hours before we were due to arrive I got a message that she had invited other people, none of whom we knew. They were special friends of hers that she mentioned regularly but we had not met.

For some reason I was angry. It was supposed to be MY birthday celebration. We were going to catch up with OUR news and have some real time together rather than snatches via texts.

For once in my life I said no to her. I took the coward’s way out by texting but I was too upset to speak to her. Her response told me that we had moved too far away to salvage our relationship.

So, I lost a friend yesterday and there are tears.

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This post is being shared on Jenny Matlock’s ‘Alphabe-Thursday’. Do go & visit the other ‘T’ posts

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67 comments

  • Hi Julia. I’m sorry to hear this happened to you. I’ve had a number of experiences when I felt it was time to move on. For me, it was recognizing that the relationship was becoming one-sided…and I had to be honest with myself. Was it becoming toxic to me? Years ago someone told me, “Yeah, I noticed I treat strangers better than I treat my friends. Thanks for being understanding.” I think I surprised him, and myself when I said, “You’re mistaken…I’m not being understanding. I’m angry and you dismiss that as understanding. I don’t want to be treated this way.” More surprising was when this person, who used to be very close to me said,”Sorry…let’s get together…” and I said, “No.” In other words, I wasn’t going to allow myself to be set up like this again. At one time we were close. I gues I felt like he was beginning to take advantage of me.
    I’m not saying it was easy, or that I didn’t grieve. But I did learn a lot of myself, and how it’s okay to recognize what we need in relationships. Bless you. …and smile for the good friends that you do have!

  • Hugs and bravos.

    Gosh. Sometimes when you finally have to draw that line in the sand, it hurts.

    It hurts that someone you thought cared for you in a certain way, doesn’t.

    It hurts that something you were excited over wasn’t even special to the other party.

    I think she has lost a wonderful person in her life. Sometimes those people never seem to realize what is gone, though.

    Hugs and friendship!

    I’m sorry for your loss.

    A+

  • Pingback: Last Week I Learnt That….#33 | Julia's Place

  • Sometimes people are placed in our lives only for a season and a reason. We learn from the experience the encounter has taught us, usually about ourselves, and then we move on. God is in control of every aspect of our lives and their is a lesson to be learned from the people he places in it. “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.”

    BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!

  • vbr

    It is always sad when a friendship comes to an end. I am sorry that you had to have this happen during a planned celebration for your birthday.

  • A “friend” who is so insensitive and self-focused is good to lose! Me thinks you deserve a real friend!:) Have a great Easter weekend , and take care.

  • Ouch! That hurts. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope that soon you will find a “real” friend who appreciates you.

  • Oh sad. I’m sorry for your loss. And clearly it is a loss, because you feel it is so. It’s hard when you feel like a friendship requires a lot of work on your part and there’s not necessarily so much in it for you. We’ve all been there. In such a case, moving on is sometimes the best thing to do. Hope you can move on and find joy in other, perhaps more meaningful and fulfilling friendships.

  • Julia–sometimes you simply have to let them go. I believe it wasn’t meant to be. Relationships are partnerships and she clearly didn’t see that. I’ve only known you from WP, but I get a great vibe from you. Someday we shall meet.

  • Happy Birthday. I know the feeling. I lost a friend late last year. She said things change and people move on. We were friends for 42 years. A bit of a shock. I hadn’t been aware we’d grown so far apart.

    When one door closes another door opens. Look the sun is shining and all will be well with the world. Keep smiling.

  • so sorry to hear that. But it was the right thing to do, if you thought it over and it wasn’t a quick (or rash) decision. Sometimes friendships change, because the people involved HAVE grown apart. It’s very understandable. Happy Birthday to you! {:-Deb

  • Ian

    I was so sorry to read this Julia, especially on your special day – belated Happy Birthday to you. At the end of the day it is most definitely their loss and as time ensues, I am sure that they will realise that. A difficult time but one that I hope becomes easier for you.

  • Nkh1970

    I am not even sure I should be commenting, feels slightly intrusive…not incredibly convinced why you are distressed? By your own admission an acquintance, yet you are bothered by new invites, surely this is an opportunity to make new frends? I am just wondering why someone who comes across on twitter as so openminded, embracing of others and absolutely inclusive of virtual friends is so distressed by this opportunity to widen your circle?

    • I’m very pleased that you did leave a comment Nicola. I said that I had regarded her as a friend but perhaps in the event she was an acquaintance. Widening ones circle is good but may not be what is needed at all times especially as what was offered was a catch-up with an ‘old friend’. One can’t ’embrace others’ continually. you have to spend time to build up the depth of long standing friends. Thank you again for stopping by.

  • I lost a long time good friend a few months ago — in a somewhat uglier end — and I know that sense of sadness. But I also realized even at the time that we had been drifting for a long time and once the short grieving period was over I’ve actually felt a little relieved to be out of it. Hope that comes for you.

  • Tina

    Thos will strike a chord with so many people! When situations like this happen, I never know if I feel sad to lose a friend or sad that they undervalued me enough to risk losing me x

  • Julia I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friendship. It sounds like you certainly had good reason to be upset with her, and please don’t feel as if texting her was the coward’s way out. I think those of us who write are better at expressing ourselves that way. I have a friend who gave me a wonderful little essay she had found that talks of people who come into our lives for either a reason, a season or a lifetime – perhaps the season of your friendship with this person was over. But even so, it still makes it difficult, no matter how things end.

  • I love the two way perspective on this title: as a noun it is drops of eye fluid, but as a verb it is a separation of parts, as in ‘rend’. Deep thoughts indeed♫

  • Real friends are so important. They enhance life greatly. So sorry you have one less now. I lost what I thought was my best friend recently. I thought I knew her, but sadly , I didn’t. Everyone else was aware of her behaviour but, alas, I was oblivious. I miss her and have tried to be less judgemental but can’t. My loss, not hers.

    • Isn’t is strange that others can see vulnerable relationships but we can’t ourselves. In too deep I suppose. Great to read your thoughts!

  • Gloomy! You can tell by the responses that we all have “friends” just like this. Sadly, I am glad I”m not the only one. Gotta love and celebrate those people we have in our lives that bring on the good times.

  • I’m sorry to read this but sometimes we have to face that we just outgrow people and we have to try to let go. You have started to do this and you’re very brave! Chin up,she didn’t deserve you anyway.

  • It’s rotten when you lose a friend. It can feel so like a bereavement, especially when it’s unexpected. Hugs to you Julia. Now go and hug that lovely husband of yours. xx

  • What a shame and especially to have this happen on your birthday.
    So sorry.

    “/

  • No real friend would do that! One thing being ill taught me was to treasure those who matter and with whom the friendship is one of equals and dump those who clearly do not share the same values. I count myself lucky to have some truly brilliant friends in reality and virtually.

    • You are so right Alison. I have been lucky to have increased my circle of friends since being on-line. Time marches on & so must I!

  • liz2you

    Sorry; I hate it when people break up. Especially long time standing relationships; it is so unneccesary, but in your case, Good as she isn’t worth it!
    Oh Gosh!
    But your story has got me to join your Thursday group.
    Liz

  • Ohhhh, I am so sorry. I think relationships are definitely the biggest challenges in life, and can either stress you or s-t-r-e-t-c-h you at times as well as can be the biggest blessings in life. I sympathize. May you be blessed with friends who fill your life with joy! I guess the only friend who has never disappointed me in some way is God!

  • I’m sorry Julia, I do hope you are not too upset. I think there is a clear message – she’s not the friend for you, and try as you might it’s not working. I think you have done the right thing.
    X

  • Cathy Kennedy

    Parting company is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself, temporarily or permanently. I have a motto, ” A friend is a friend always.” Maybe, it’s best to think on not that you lost a friend, but more or less putting that relationship on hold. Who knows where the road will lead in both of your lives. It may wind up bringing you back together in a newer, closer friendship.

    Liking up via Alphabe-Thursday! Come by to read today’s post: Trouble

  • Julia,
    I’m sorry. I know it hurts (been there) but I also know that you deserve more than that. We may only be friends through cyberspace, but I count myself lucky to know you.

    Lisa

  • Julia,

    I am a little angry at your friend, but mostly I want you to know that, even though I can’t throw you a birthday dinner, (Happy Birthday!) you have a friend in me. 😎

  • Now that is truly a sad post! I’m sorry this happened to you!

  • It’s time to move on sister!! She was never there for you.. I’m sure you do have many friends who will be there for you.

  • sorry for your loss. i know that situation too well. Ive had friends that ive been close to for years. one of them begged me to do a piece of art for her then she refused to pay for it by cutting all contact. the second friend suddenly became best friends with someone else and she would be invited along to our get togethers and in the end she cut contact with me too. its sad really, especially after knowing them for so long but ive also been the one whose efforts are more from me than them. i moved on, i had to, they were clearly not worth the heartbreak

  • I’m so sorry, friendships are tricky things. I barely speak to one of my bridesmaids because of misunderstandings and personality clashes that have got worse over the years. It’s so hurtful and sometimes there’s just no way to salvage things as you say. I hope one day things will change and she’ll be a friend again, in the meantime I suppose it’s best to treasure the friendship you once had and just move on. Hugs, and I do mean that. x

  • Julia, I only know you through cyber space but from working with you I would say it’s really your ‘friends’ loss, you are such a caring person and have always been willing to help and share, anyone would be proud to have you as a friend! Jane

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